I take great pride in telling people, “I’ve lost 50 pounds!!” But what I am not so proud of, and am slower to offer up, is the greater story behind my physique.
As a child, life in my home was not always easy. My brother and sister each responded in their
own way, and I responded by developing a subconscious need for perfection. By early middle school, I was the youngest
individual on the state championship science team and the top competitor on my
school’s math team. By late middle
school, I was excelling through advanced math classes - having to travel by car
to the high school as the classes I required were not offered at the middle
school. In the 8th grade,
I was captain of the math team, president of the science team, first chair flute,
leader/drum major of the band, and successful in a small number of sports.
It was around this time that I also began to develop a new need
for perfection and control – that of what I consumed. It started simple enough, with heading out
the door without breakfast. But it soon
progressed to refusal to eat in the school cafeteria during lunch, and then to skipping out on snacks and dinner.
Involved in so many activities and sports, I was gone the majority of
the daylight hours, and with my mother working night-shift (and my father not in
the home), it was easy to go through a day without anyone noticing. If on the weekend I ate what I considered
“too much”, I would make up for it by cutting back further on what I consumed
during the week.
This continued on into high school, and developed into a
mixed exercise-obsession and calorie control.
In my sophomore year, however, I began to have significant health
consequences. Of course, neither I nor
anyone else recognized them as disordered eating related (I was, after all, eating
normal meals on occasion, even overeating to the point of being ill at times), and many doctors visits and medical tests followed with little conclusion as to what could be causing my digestive system problems.
Over the next few years, I went through periods of eating "dysfunctionally", and eating normally, until I decided to get as far away from my hometown as possible at the end of community college. A new mindset on life, and a fresh start, once at Western Washington University (five hours from my hometown, and with VERY FEW individuals who knew me previously), I could start over.
In starting over, however, I literally did not know how to eat "normal". A controlled 3 meals a day, of "normal" proportions, was not natural to me! As such, I began to pack on the weight. In speaking with countless others who have struggled similarly with eating disorders, I have learned that this is a relatively common phenomenon....that once an individual cycles into regular eating, and normal proportions and food choices are not something that have been practiced before, a reflexive weight gain is seen. For me....this meant not your typical Freshman Five or Fifteen....but rather 55!!!
In starting over, however, I literally did not know how to eat "normal". A controlled 3 meals a day, of "normal" proportions, was not natural to me! As such, I began to pack on the weight. In speaking with countless others who have struggled similarly with eating disorders, I have learned that this is a relatively common phenomenon....that once an individual cycles into regular eating, and normal proportions and food choices are not something that have been practiced before, a reflexive weight gain is seen. For me....this meant not your typical Freshman Five or Fifteen....but rather 55!!!
I did not realize that I was overweight for quite a while. Sure, I was not fitting into my previous clothing and I was eating more, but that was expected! It was not until I returned home from a trip abroad, looked through hundreds of pictures of myself on the trip and refused to show 90% of them to friends because of their "bad angle", that I realized "Oh my goodness gracious!!! I really am overweight!!"
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| The picture that spoke louder than any other: It was time to take my health/weight seriously! |
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| My change in facial structure, alone, amazes me! |
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| Using triathlons as a fun way to lose weight! |
From there, I knew it was going to be a battle, but I was determined to be healthy. Genuinely healthy. First things first, I took fast food and all-you-can-eat buffets out of my diet completely, started shopping healthier at the grocery store and keeping healthy snacks around me at all times, and became active again. Always the wannabe comedian, I called my weight loss plan GOYBADS: the Get Off Your Butt And Do Something plan! Trust me, it wasn't an easy path; I had to work hard! Then, to keep myself going towards a goal of fitness with a definitive date, I signed up for my first pageant. BUT, to insure that a "healthy weight" truly meant "healthy" this time, and that I did not go overboard, I found myself a diet and fitness accountability partner.
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| Before and After |
Today, I am at a very healthy and happy weight, and doing well!! However, it is a sad and unfortunate thing that I report, to this day, I still struggle with some of the long term health consequences of a prior eating disorder; I may be eating "normally" and exercising well, but I am now trapped with long term consequences of my unfortunate, younger decisions. (I am choosing to not disclose the personal medical details here, but I am certainly willing to discuss such with anyone interested - whether it be a medical colleague looking to provide better care, or an individual looking within or to those around themselves. Just message/ask me!)
So, why do I write this? Surely not to out myself! In fact, making this public for the first time comes with great anxiety. But rather, I aim to create a better understanding, particularly for my pageant, teaching, coaching, and medical friends.
So, who is at risk, and why? First, please recognize that an eating disorder can develop in an individual of either gender and at any age, and is equally common among all races. However, it is most common in females between 14 (soon after the onset of puberty, when body parts naturally expand) and 25. Additionally, eating disorders can develop for a number of reasons, including: a need for perfection or control over an area of life, pressure to perform in a specific area, a desire to be "model thin", or a misconception of ones own appearance (not seeing in the mirror how others see you, known as "Body Dysmorphic Disorder", which may also contribute to the rebound weight gain one does not recognize, as I noted earlier).
One of
the most common manifestations of eating disorders today is known as the Female Athlete Triad. In the Female Athlete Triad, three conditions are commonly seen together in active females, and they are: eating disorder/low energy availability, amenorrhea (irregular or lack of periods), and osteoporosis (an increased risk of fracture, including stress fractures). This is most common in individual sports that stress leanness and self-control, including long distance running, gymnastics, figure skating, ballet, diving, and swimming. In the female athlete triad, the body becomes so deprived of energy/nutrients via the decreased consumption and increased use of energy, that the body's systems begin to shut down, including the reproductive system and the process responsible for building bone density.
So, who is at risk, and why? First, please recognize that an eating disorder can develop in an individual of either gender and at any age, and is equally common among all races. However, it is most common in females between 14 (soon after the onset of puberty, when body parts naturally expand) and 25. Additionally, eating disorders can develop for a number of reasons, including: a need for perfection or control over an area of life, pressure to perform in a specific area, a desire to be "model thin", or a misconception of ones own appearance (not seeing in the mirror how others see you, known as "Body Dysmorphic Disorder", which may also contribute to the rebound weight gain one does not recognize, as I noted earlier).
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| The concept of "Body Dysmorphic Disorder" |
One of
the most common manifestations of eating disorders today is known as the Female Athlete Triad. In the Female Athlete Triad, three conditions are commonly seen together in active females, and they are: eating disorder/low energy availability, amenorrhea (irregular or lack of periods), and osteoporosis (an increased risk of fracture, including stress fractures). This is most common in individual sports that stress leanness and self-control, including long distance running, gymnastics, figure skating, ballet, diving, and swimming. In the female athlete triad, the body becomes so deprived of energy/nutrients via the decreased consumption and increased use of energy, that the body's systems begin to shut down, including the reproductive system and the process responsible for building bone density.
Eating disorders are INCREDIBLY dangerous! About 8% die within 10 years
of the onset of the disease, and 20% will die prematurely at some point
from complications related to the eating disorder (heart failure is frighteningly common)....making eating
disorders the MOST LETHAL of any mental/psychiatric disorder!! While I
thought I was handling the stress of my environment "well", in fact, I
was causing myself more harm than if I had chosen to do any number of
other "unwise" things! And for those choosing life with an eating
disorder in order to become more attractive, stats like these CERTAINLY
do not make an individual more attractive to any future mate!
Please educate yourself. Look within, and keep a loving eye out for those around you. Consuming less than 800 calories a day is NEVER okay!! Even on the strictest diet! (The nationally recommended lowest is 1200 calories per day.) Just because your stomach no longer tells you that it is hungry, does not mean that your body isn't starving!
Trust me, I get it. As a "pageant girl" and occasional model, with a high stress lifestyle, I know the pressures....very well. But there are healthier ways to gain control, to get the appearance you want, or to perform at the highest standard.
If you have an eating disorder, please consider speaking with someone on the outside of the situation, whom you trust. It is important to get help, and there are places to receive that help. If you feel comfortable, please feel free to message or speak with me - I would be happy to listen, and to help you on the first step to a healthier way. If you suspect someone you love has an eating disorder, please recognize that blatant accusations will result 95% of the time in denial and increased distance. There are other ways to express your concern and get your friend/colleague/student/athlete help.
As I discover what a healthy me looks like (and experience some mild weight fluctuation as I figure that out), one thing I have found incredibly comforting is knowing that I am enough, just the way I am; right here, right now. This has taken me some time to understand (and I'm still working on it!), but the more I come to terms with the fact that I am enough just as I am, the more at peace I find myself. I don't need to lose weight, I don't need to gain weight; God simply asks that I take care of the body He has given me, to the best of my ability. And similarly, I do not need straight A's, earned titles, or other accomplishments....all God asks is that I live each day according to His love for me and those He places in my life. If I can learn to live for that love...I truly am Perfect just the way He has made me, the rest of the "imperfections" and all!! AND SO ARE YOU!
You truly are PERFECT, JUST THE WAY GOD MADE YOU!!!!
With Much Love,
Analiesse
Trust me, I get it. As a "pageant girl" and occasional model, with a high stress lifestyle, I know the pressures....very well. But there are healthier ways to gain control, to get the appearance you want, or to perform at the highest standard.
If you have an eating disorder, please consider speaking with someone on the outside of the situation, whom you trust. It is important to get help, and there are places to receive that help. If you feel comfortable, please feel free to message or speak with me - I would be happy to listen, and to help you on the first step to a healthier way. If you suspect someone you love has an eating disorder, please recognize that blatant accusations will result 95% of the time in denial and increased distance. There are other ways to express your concern and get your friend/colleague/student/athlete help.
As I discover what a healthy me looks like (and experience some mild weight fluctuation as I figure that out), one thing I have found incredibly comforting is knowing that I am enough, just the way I am; right here, right now. This has taken me some time to understand (and I'm still working on it!), but the more I come to terms with the fact that I am enough just as I am, the more at peace I find myself. I don't need to lose weight, I don't need to gain weight; God simply asks that I take care of the body He has given me, to the best of my ability. And similarly, I do not need straight A's, earned titles, or other accomplishments....all God asks is that I live each day according to His love for me and those He places in my life. If I can learn to live for that love...I truly am Perfect just the way He has made me, the rest of the "imperfections" and all!! AND SO ARE YOU!
You truly are PERFECT, JUST THE WAY GOD MADE YOU!!!!
Psalm 139:14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
Matthew 6:25 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?"
Song of Solomon 4:7 You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you.
Analiesse
Courageous and necessary. Taking the bull by the horns msy result in the potential for goring, but seldom does. It usually results in victory. For you and for others. It makes me think of the verses: Luke 22:31-33 and 2 Thessalonians 5:11. May God continue to use and bless you richly. Love you even more.
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